Dealing with Loss and Grief

As humans, we will inevitably encounter various losses throughout life. Although never easy, loss is a part of our shared humanity. We often think of loss as it relates to the death of someone we love. However, loss comes in many forms: loss of an important relationship; loss of a job; loss of our health; loss of identity, just to name a few. Grief is a normal response to loss whether it be in reaction to death or to significant changes to our way of life and the things that bring us comfort and stability. With loss comes change. The old adage “The only constant is change” is so true. Change can be intentional, unintentional, desirable, or undesirable. Coping with loss and grief is a process that entails dealing with emotions, letting go, and finding a way to move on with our lives. It’s important to remember that grief is a universal experience and there is no right or wrong way to move through it nor is there a specific time frame for healing.

Grief is often thought of as a series of stages that involve physical, emotional, and behavioral reactions. The stages are not necessarily distinct and there is often overlap. Some stages may be more salient for certain individuals while others may skip a stage altogether depending on their unique circumstances. With any loss, but particularly for those who have lost a loved one, the initial stage may involve a period of shock, denial, or numbness. People often describe feeling like they are in a fog or simply going through the motions. As the permanence of the loss sets in, individuals may experience anger, pessimism, and feeling out of control as they try to makes sense of what has happened. Anger may be directed at oneself, a higher power, or even the deceased due to feelings of abandonment. People may experience intense guilt and question what they could have done to prevent the loss. There may also be a period of despair or depression when the reality of the loss sets in. Mourning tends to be central at this time and, although painful, allowing oneself to grieve is an essential part of moving on. Everyone deals with intense feelings of grief in their own unique way. Some people may be able to cry, talk openly about their loved one, and express a range of emotions while others may try to hold their feelings in. Of course, it’s tempting to avoid the pain of grief yet, in doing so, we typically delay the healing process. In order to move on, it’s necessary to face grief and actively deal with it. Some suggestions for this include:

1). Talk with others who have also experienced loss. It can be especially helpful to know you are not alone in your process.

2). Take time to reflect on the special times and what the relationship meant to you. Writing a letter to your loved one or creating a simple memorial like planting a flower can be important steps in healing.

3). Accept that mourning will ebb and flow. Remind yourself that there will be good days and bad days and that it is ok to struggle.

4). Ask for support from those you trust and can rely on. Let go of the notion that you will be a burden if you ask for comfort. If you are struggling to reach out, think about how you would react if a friend was in pain and needed some extra care. Most importantly, avoid isolating yourself as this can intensify feelings of loneliness and depression.

5). It can be tempting to ignore your basic needs when grief sets in. Try to avoid this as your body will require healthy food, light exercise, relaxation and sleep as your emotions are working overtime.

6). Even though it may be difficult, do your best to get back to your routine and stick to it the best you can. At times, it may feel like you are simply going through the motions, however, getting back to some sense of normalcy is an important step in moving on.

Over time, most people are able to accept their loss while also holding a special place in their heart for their loved one. Acceptance does not mean that painful feelings will not arise. For example, the anniversary of the loss or other reminders of a loved one may provoke feelings of sadness and longing yet are likely to be more manageable. In some cases, the typical mourning process becomes more complicated. For some individuals, they may experience ongoing physical disturbances such as erratic sleep and appetite changes as well as preoccupation with thoughts about the deceased. Their sadness and despair may feel so profound that they literally feel unable to move forward and connect with things that were once enjoyable. In certain situations, thoughts of suicide may even arise. In these instances, therapy can be a critical step in allowing one to express their pain, fear, and confusion. It can be especially helpful to have a safe place to talk about the lost relationship including all of its ups and downs and concerns about what establishing a new reality might mean. Therapy can also assist in finding ways to create a new and meaningful life so that your loss becomes one chapter in your story rather than something that defines you indefinitely.

It is often said that the experience of grief gets better with time. Although this may be true, the reality is that it often does not feel this way when you are in the midst of your pain. However, healing is possible as you slowly integrate the loss into your life and build a new future for yourself. As cliché as it may sound, it’s important to remember that your loved one would not want you to suffer. Be patient with yourself as you begin to recognize that although the future may not be as you planned, there is potential for peace and renewed happiness. Hold on to the many memories while also honoring your loved one by cherishing the time you spent together, allowing yourself to heal, and embracing life in a new way.